Unexpected consequences
by Andrea Jacobs
Summary: Harry accidentally kills a young girl and runs away because he can't stand himself. How will everyone react when he returns and who will he seek comfort in? Will be SS/HP. Rated M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Dear all,**

**This is the first time I've written in more than one year and I just did it as a spur of the moment thing. If you think it is any good, I will continue it. Please respect that English is not my native language, my apologies for any faults that might appear in the following text.**

**Please take a moment to review,**

**Andrea xxx**

There weren't many people that noticed him as he entered the Great Hall on the first night of his final year at Hogwarts. He dressed, talked and looked the same as he always had. His hair was still unruly and black, his skin ghost pale and his eyes emerald green. The only difference in his looks was the fact that he no longer wore glasses as he had gone to a muggle doctor and had an operation to fix his eyesight. But overall he looked exactly the same as he always had. Yet there he felt even more like an outsider than he ever had. It was the fact that no one spoke to him or even looked at him. He felt as though he didn't exist. At least not in the same world as everyone else. Usually he would be happy about not getting as much attention as he used to, but this time it was different. Different because of the reasons why no one would as much as look at him. At the same time he was relieved, because for the first time in his life he was truly invisible.

A couple of months earlier, in March, the war had been coming to an end. He and everyone else had been fighting death eaters for the past weeks and it seemed as though they were finally going to defeat Voldemort. One night, when he, along with Remus Lupin, Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall, was fighting a small number of death eaters, at a boarding school in Berkshire, something awful happened. All the children at the school had been evacuated, thanks to Snape, who had warned them about the attack even though it had blown his cover as a spy. Everyone, except for one, a 12-year old girl called Christina. For some unknown reason she had stepped out on the courtyard between the school's chapel and reception, where the battle had taken place. At the very same moment Harry had fired the Avada Kedavra curse at a death eater who happened to be standing right in front of the spot where Christina stepped out. Unfortunately the death eater had anticipated Harry's next move and had therefore taken a step to the left just when the curse was fired. The killing curse hit Christina with full strength and he watched her die in front of him. By the time he had killed the death eater and got to her side, she was long gone.

Harry had found it impossible to go on after that event and even though Christina's family forgave him for it and even though he donated his entire fortune to Christina's family, Harry could not forgive himself. In his eyes, he had become just like Voldemort, if not worse. At least Voldemort admitted he was evil, Harry had thought bitterly. After that night it was as though there was a massive wall around him which no one could get through. His friends tried for weeks but Harry just fell deeper and deeper into a depression. A month later he decided he had had enough, so he snuck out to Hogsmeade and apparated to London, where he headed to the first open pub he could find and drunk himself senseless. It didn't take long before he started to take drugs which, at first, numbed the feelings of guilt, but soon numbed all of his senses. Only two weeks after his first night in London, he had become a homeless drug addict, living on the streets of London. The only thing he was aware of was the fact that he deserved this kind of life. That combined with his newfound lifestyle gave him some consolation. That is, until a kind muggle woman took pity on him and placed him in a rehabilitation centre, in the outskirts of London. It was then life got really difficult. On more than one occasion he tried to kill himself. However slowly time passed, his state gradually improved. The helpful muggle woman also took him to a doctor to fix his eyesight, something he would be eternally grateful for. By the beginning of August he was starting to feel normal again, a feeling which he treasured. It was around that time he got hold of an issue of the Daily Prophet. After quickly scanning through it, Harry reached the conclusion that the war had ended the week before, with about a hundred people having died in the final battle. He quickly read the long list of names of the people who had died in battle and was relieved to find that he didn't know anyone on the list; apparently most of the victims were civilians. There was also a short paragraph titled "Why did Harry Potter abandon us?" saying that no one knew where he was and that perhaps he was too full of himself to care about anyone else. The article also blamed the large number of deaths on him, as they thought that the final battle would have been much quicker, had he been there to help them. When he was finally allowed to leave the rehabilitation centre, by mid-August, he had no idea where to go. He therefore sent a letter to Albus Dumbledore, who then invited him for a meeting in his office the next day. Harry was surprised, to say the least, when Dumbledore greeted him with his usual smile as he entered his office.

"There you are, my boy. You have no idea how worried I've been for you", Dumbledore said warmly and gestured for Harry to sit on the chair in front of his desk.

"I'm so sorry, for everything", Harry said softly and looked into the Headmaster's blue eyes. "I just felt... that I had to get away. I was no good here taking up you and everyone else's time so I thought you would be better off without me. It seems I was right. Congratulations on winning the battle. I realise I am not entitled to your forgiveness, hence I will not ask for it, I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for abandoning all of you like that".

"You have nothing to be forgiven for", Dumbledore said firmly, "but I would like to know where you went and what you did. None of us were able to find you".

At this question, Harry was silent. He held on to the chair's arm rests tightly before opening his mouth to reply to the Headmaster's question.

"At first I ran off to London where I, I am ashamed to say, spent a week getting drunk. I became friends with this Russian girl, called Katryna, whom I then stayed with in St. Petersburg, until now. I didn't have any contact at all with the Wizarding world before this week, when I got hold of a copy of the daily prophet. That is when I sent a letter to you", Harry explained after having chosen his words carefully, in order to make his story as believable as possible.

"I see. It seems this time away have done you very good, Harry. I am happy for you. I assume you want to come back here by the end of this month, am I right?"

"Yes, I would like that very much", the young man replied quietly. "How did everyone take my disappearance?", he asked nervously.

"Everyone was really shocked and I am sorry to say that your closest friends were very hurt. I advise you to contact them before the start of term as they will be very shocked, to say the least, to hear that you are back. Most of us almost came to terms with the fact that you could be dead".

The two men continued talking for an hour or so before the Headmaster offered Harry a room at Hogwarts to stay at until the beginning of term as he was well aware of the fact that Harry had donated his entire fortune, hence he had no place to stay. On the Headmaster's recommendation Harry sent letters to his closest friends, including Ron, Hermione, Remus, Ginny, Luna, Neville and the Weasley family, explaining the situation. He was quite surprised to find that after a week he still hadn't had a single reply. When he asked the Headmaster about it, he suggested that the owls might have failed to deliver the letters. Harry therefore tried again but received no replies this time either. He truly hoped everything would be alright on the first day of term as he could not imagine Hogwarts without his two best friends. Over the two weeks that followed before the beginning of term, Harry caught up on everything that had happened since he had left, by reading almost every single issue of the Daily Prophet that had been published during his absence. The only people he saw were the Headmaster, Madame Pomfrey, who was as nice as ever, and Professor Trelawney, whom he ignored. He was very grateful for the time he was able to spend contemplating his situation and dreaded the first day of term when he was going to have to face his fears. All of a sudden the first night of term was there and he heard the castle fill with students and professors. He decided it was time to make his appearance and entered the Great Hall, before the Sorting had begun. It did not take him long to realise that this was going to be a long, long year.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear all,**

**Thank you so much, Tsurisaki Eiri, for making such a long and helpful review. I tried to make this chapter easier to read. And thank you, Morgana-White for reviewing.**

**I do realise Snape is very OOC in this character but I like him this way =P. **

**Please review,**

**Andrea xxx**

The welcoming feast was over quickly for Harry, who paid no attention whatsoever to the sorting ceremony or the supper. Not a single person in Gryffindor would as much as look at him. The only people whose eyes he met during the ceremony were Dumbledore, McGonagall, who both looked at him with pity in their eyes, and Snape who smirked, as if to say "not what you expected, eh?". He barely listened to the Headmaster's usual announcements and almost missed the last one, when Dumbledore said that the curfew had been prolonged from 10 pm to 10.30 pm for all students in year fifth and above. He sighed when he heard this, as it reminded him of all his nightly escapades with Ron and Hermione. When the feast was over, he tried to get their attention on their way out of the Great Hall but failed to do so as both of them completely ignored him. He decided to confront them when they had reached the Gryffindor Tower.

"Ron, Hermione, wait!", Harry called for them as they entered the portrait hole. None of them looked back, thus he grabbed Hermione's arm. "Please can I talk to you for just a minute", he pleaded.

Hermione looked at him as if she was in pain and cast a quick glance at Ron, who walked straight to the boys' dormitory. She thought for another moment before replying. "One minute, Harry", she said softly and gestured towards the corridor they had just left.

The Fat Lady grunted annoyed when they walked through the portrait hole for the second time in as many minutes. There was no one else in the corridor and the air was chilly, due to the walls which never got warm. When the portrait had closed, Hermione looked at Harry expectantly. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so sorry for abandoning you", Harry began and looked down. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I just want you to know that I'm really sorry for taking off the way I did".

"Apparently not sorry enough to send us a letter of your whereabouts. Do you have any idea how worried we were? We thought you'd died. We went looking for you for weeks but no one had seen you. No one!," Hermione said, her voice rising as she spoke.

"I'm really sorry, 'Mione, but I just had to leave. I couldn't live with myself..".

"You should have come to me, or gone to a therapist or something. You didn't have to disappear off the face of the earth, you know. Where were you anyway?", she asked.

Harry was quiet for a minute or two, contemplating his answer. The truth was too horrible, he thought; better not to tell her anything. "I know you will hate me for this, but I really can't tell you. I am too ashamed. Maybe one day I'll have mustered the courage to tell you".

Hermione pursed her lips disapprovingly before replying. "You disappear without telling me, you make me believe you're dead, do you have any idea how much I missed you? How hurt I felt when I realised you were never coming back. How terrible I felt when we all came to the conclusion that you were dead?", the tears were streaming down her cheeks as she spoke. "You can't possibly expect me to just forget all that and become all happy now that you're back. You can't even tell me where you were! When you're ready to talk about where you went, I'll be there for you, but until then, I really don't know..." she finished and stormed back into the Gryffindor Tower after meeting Harry's eyes one last time. "And don't even bother trying to talk to Ron, you have no idea how devastated he was. He actually tried to kill himself," her voice broke as she entered the portrait hole, after having whispered the password.

There he was, abandoned in the corridor. He had no idea what time it was, but he really didn't care. Harry decided he didn't want to face the rest of Gryffindor and headed off down the corridor. The only light there was came from candlesticks on the walls, casting a slightly scary light over the room. Harry barely noticed it. He kept walking until he reached a staircase, which he descended. The portraits on the walls kept telling him to be quiet as he stamped angrily through the corridors of Hogwarts. He walked and walked until he found himself in an empty classroom, the location of which, he did not know. He had no idea which floor he was on.

Harry closed the door and sank down on the floor, leaning against the wall. After taking a quick look at the rest of the room he realised that it was a regular classroom, with desks, chairs, a board and the teacher's desk. The room was in total darkness. There he sat, thinking about what the next couple of weeks were going to be like. Never had he felt this lonely at the place he used to call his home. He had expected the first few meetings with Ron and Hermione to be difficult but he had never in his wildest dreams thought that they were going to ignore him. He felt guilty as he began to realised how much he must have hurt them, yet frustrated that they seemed so unable to forgive him. Obviously they had not known how much the incident with Christina had affected him. At the thought of what he had done to her, combined with his sense of loneliness, he started to cry. He pulled up his legs and wrapped his arms around them and pressed his face into his legs, as tears softly began to roll down his cheeks.

All of a sudden the door was opened. Harry quickly wiped his cheeks and looked up to see who it was. To his surprise it was no one less than Severus Snape. He was soon blinded by light from the professor's wand.

"Mr Potter, out after curfew I see", Snape drawled. After taking a quick look at the Gryffindor and noticing the tearstained cheeks, he closed the door. He took off his cloak and hung it on one of the chairs, before joining Harry on the floor. The older man leaned against the wall for a few minutes, letting the Gryffindor take in his presence.

Harry was astonished, to say the least, when his professor sat down next to him, instead of deducting points. He was too shocked to find anything to say and therefore settled on silence.

"You got your eyes fixed, I see", Snape stated indifferently and kept looking forwards.

"Yes, Sir", Harry replied quietly, still looking down at his knees.

"The Headmaster told me you went to Russia, is that true?", he enquired and looked at the younger man, who refused to meet his gaze.

Harry did not know why he replied the way he did, perhaps it was because of fatigue or the unreality of this conversation. "No", he said.

"I didn't think so. You don't look like you've just spent months in Russia, unless you lived in a Gulag", Snape replied dryly.

"What do I look like I've done then?", Harry questioned and looked up.

"Judging by your haggard face and", he picked up Harry's left arm and pulled up his sleeve, "the needle marks on your arm, I would definitely say drugs", Snape said, making his voice sound strangely casual. He dropped the Gryffindor's arm without any warning. "Is that what you did, Potter? Drugs in Russia?", he asked mockingly. "How very rebellic of you", he quipped.

"Because that's exactly what I aspired to be – rebellic. As you know, I am always seeking attention", Harry replied with equal sarcasm. "In fact, I never left the UK".  
Snape decided they were done with the pleasantries and placed a hand under Harry's chin and made him look at him. "Do you want to tell me about it?". His voice held none of its usual malice; instead it was filled with curiosity and gentleness. He let go of the boy's chin and left him to make up his mind on his own.

When Harry looked into his teacher's eyes he was surprised at how indifferent they were. "Is that a question or a demand?", he asked and met Snape's eyes.

"What did it sound like?", the Slytherin countered.

"A question, but your questions are generally demands".

The professor was silent.

Harry looked down at his knees, carefully considering the way he was going to tell his story. He was glad for the space his teacher gave him by not pushing him into talking. "It all began with the terrible night when I... when I killed her", he was silent for a minute or two, letting the words sink in. "I didn't know how to live after what I did. I couldn't stand myself. I still can't. One day I just couldn't take it anymore, so I ran away to London. It didn't take long before I was a full-fledged drug addict, living on the streets. One day a kind muggle woman took pity on me and took me to a rehabilitation centre, which is where I spent the rest of my time away", he finished, feeling utterly ashamed. "That's how selfish I was", he said dryly. Harry once again wrapped his arms around his knees, wishing he could just disappear.

"No one blames you Potter, or at least they ought not to. In case you have forgotten, I was there that night and I know you did not deliberately kill her. It was an accident". Snape tried to look into the Gryffindor's eyes but the boy refused to look at him. "You need to stop blaming yourself. I understand why you ran away but you really shouldn't have. You should have talked to someone", Snape said quietly.

"Like anyone could possibly have understood what I was going through!", Harry muttered angrily through the tears that were streaming down his face.

"If you had tried, you would have found that I have gone through something similar. But that is a different story". He once again made the boy look at him by placing his fingers gently on his chin. "Potter, I have personally been in contact with Christina's family a few times over the last couple of months and they do not blame you at all. In fact, they were rather worried about you taking off like that. They think that enough harm has been done and that it was stupid of you to run away like that. The only person left to forgive you is yourself", Snape said softly and let go of the boy's face.

Harry had no idea what to say. He found it difficult to believe anything his teacher had told him. "How can I possibly forgive myself?", he heard himself ask quietly.

"You will have to, in time. It's not easy, but you will, eventually. Or you will at least have to accept it", Snape said as a matter of fact. "I couldn't help but notice how your friends were, well, less than friendly to...".

"Less than friendly, they won't even look at me! It's like I don't exist", Harry interrupted.

"Their attitude towards you will change, in time. You have to understand that it is hard for them, as most of them had come to terms with the fact that you were never coming back. Now that you did, it is a huge shock to them, combined with the fact that they are very angry with you for abandoning them in the midst of a war. Human beings are selfish, Potter", Snape said and contemplated what he had said for a moment. "And you cannot possibly expect them to understand what you were going through, hence it is impossible for them to understand why you ran away. Remember that, Potter".

Harry nodded slowly as he took in what his professor said. He tried to stop crying but the tears just wouldn't stop coming. He cursed himself inwardly for looking this weak.

"And as for those tears, Potter", Snape said, his words making Harry look up in surprise, "it will get easier. And until then, a silence charm keeps unwanted listeners away at bedtime", he said knowingly.

The Gryffindor wiped his cheeks and wondered how he had ended up in this situation and why he felt so comfortable in it. He felt something warm press his left hand and he pressed back gently.

There they sat for another half hour or so, just holding hands. Harry's crying finally ceased and he was able to relax completely for the first time that day.

"Potter, it is almost 2 am, both of us have to get up in five hours and I would like to get some sleep before that", Snape said and stood up. He grabbed his cloak and offered the younger man a hand which he accepted. "I know you do not exactly fancy going back to your dormitory, but trust me, it will get easier with time", he said quietly and opened the door to the corridor.

"I.. Thank you, Sir. For everything", Harry said softly and nodded towards his professor. He felt a gentle squeeze on his shoulder before he was ushered out into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear all, **

**Huge thanks to everyone who reviewed, you made my day! :)**

**I am aware this chapter is slightly shorter but I thought it was a good place to stop. **

**Tsurusaki Eiri - That's an interesting take on a character being OOC. I have to say I somewhat agree with you, as long as the story attempts to explain the reasons why the character is acting that way. Thanks for the grammar tip, you're absolutely right, unfortunately I learned it wrong when I was about 11, hence it is my nature to write this way (meaning I really have to make an effort when I write short stories for school as they _have to _be correct.. *sigh* :P) but I will try to correct it, but please bear with me if its faulty at times. **

**NobbyPotter - Thank you for pointing that out, it's been changed. :) It was literally 2 am when I wrote that chapter, hence the large number of faults (such as possible instead of possibly) but I've tried to correct most of them. **

**Andrea xxx**

Harry couldn't sleep at all that night. He kept going over the conversation with Snape in his head so many times that in the end it seemed like a dream. The bed in which he had slept for the last six years seemed uncomfortable all of a sudden. He could hear the soft snores of his dorm-mates, Ron, Neville, Seamus and Dean, which made him feel more and more distant by the minute. He sighed and rolled over on his left side once more. Still no sleep. He lay like that for another two hours until he could hear Neville, who was always the earliest riser, get out of bed. Not wanting to face Ron this early in the morning, he decided he was better off getting up before him.

Twenty minutes later Harry left the Gryffindor tower, dressed in his usual school robes. The Fat Lady was the first person to greet him with a bright "good morning". As he walked through the corridors on his way to the Great hall the sense of loneliness filled him once more. Most students, he did not know, and the ones he did know looked down as they walked past him, pretending they didn't see him. The only person who said hello to him was Luna, but even she seemed somewhat hesitant to do so. After her quick greeting, she hurried down the corridor. Harry could not understand why it seemed as though everyone was part of a secret club, the sole purpose of which was to deny his existence. He stifled a yawn, not wanting to let anyone know how tired he was.

For the second time in his life, no one looked at him as he entered the Great Hall, something he found strangely relieving. As he sat down on his usual chair, he looked up to the Head Table only to find Snape eyeing him with nothing but indifference in his eyes. Harry came to the conclusion that last night's conversation could be nothing more than a dream. For some reason he felt disappointed. It would have been nice to talk to someone. He whispered a quiet "hello" to Hermione but she just looked at him despondently, neither acknowledging nor ignoring him. As he looked for the pumpkin juice jug, he found that there was already a glass of pumpkin juice in front of him. He looked up and found Hermione giving him a slight smile and he nodded at her. After having eaten a hearty breakfast to compensate for the lack of sleep, he stood up to leave and realised he hadn't been given his schedule. He happened to be lucky though, as McGonagall was standing right behind him.

"Here you are, Mr Potter", she said in her usual voice and handed him his schedule.

After taking a quick look at hit, Harry realised he had all his classes, except for Potions, with Ron. He cursed inwardly. This was going to be a long week.

The first two lessons were rather uneventful, Transfiguration and Defense against the Dark Arts. The new teacher in the latter subject was a young Dutch witch named Marjorie Johnson and Harry found her to be an okay teacher, perhaps a tad bit boring. None of the lessons had required any work in pairs which Harry was relieved for. By lunch he was so tired he was ready to fall over. Though he wasn't very hungry he made himself eat two full servings at lunch, hoping the food would fill him with energy. Ron was the only person who ate more, Harry mused. As he had nothing better to do, Harry spent the entire lunch break in the dining hall, pretending to read a copy of the Prophet someone had left behind.

Harry made it to Potions just on time and sat down on one of the chairs in the far back. He was surprised Snape accepted him in his NEWT Potions class, seeing as he had not taken any official exams, and he suspected the Headmaster had something to do with it, so he chose not to comment on it. The classroom was as chilly and dark as it always had been, compared to the class which was very different as the majority of the students were from Ravenclaw. The Potions Master began the lesson with telling everyone what a difficult course Potions would be this year. Probably trying to scare off the sissies, Harry thought and smiled slightly. Somehow he found his professor's voice strangely relaxing and his eyelids became heavier and heavier. As he sat in the far back of the classroom, no one but his professor noticed him falling asleep.

"You may start taking notes on the following pages", Snape drawled and scribbled a few numbers on the black board. He glared at his students for a moment or two, making sure they began working. The Slytherin then proceeded to the end of the classroom where he pretended to open a cupboard. After making sure that all students were concentrating on their work, he put two hands on Harry's shoulders and shook them slightly. He achieved the desired effect and Harry opened his mouth to explain himself. Snape gestured for him to be quiet and pointed a finger at the board. The boy nodded. The Slytherin then closed the cupboard and walked back to his desk. He saw the Gryffindor send him a look of gratitude. Snape was shocked at the large dark rings under the boy's eyes and reached the conclusion that he couldn't have gotten much sleep the night before. Half an hour later the lesson came to its end.

"I want these notes in by Wednesday. Class dismissed. Potter, stay behind."

The Gryffindor packed up his things slowly, waiting for everyone to leave the room before he approached his professor. When the last person had left the room, Snape shut the door with a flick of his wand.

"I always knew my lessons were demanding, but I never thought they could make students fall asleep out of exhaustion", Snape said dryly.

"I'm so sorry, Sir", Harry said apologetically. "Thank you for waking me up...like that."

Snape chose not to reply to the expression of gratitude and instead motioned for his student to sit down. "How has your first day been?" he asked and leaned back in his chair.

"Interesting", Harry said and rolled his eyes. He was certain his teacher knew the real answer; hence there was no need to say it. "I've made more friends than I've ever had before. It's been the best day of my life!" he said with faked cheerfulness.

"That bad?" the Slytherin stated and raised an eyebrow questioningly.

The Gryffindor just looked back at him with indifference in his eyes. He honestly did not know what to reply to that question. It had been one of the worst days of his life so far.

"Do you have any more classes today?" Snape asked.

"No, I'm free, Sir. Why do you ask?"

"I want you to take this", Snape said and removed a small vial from an inside pocket of his robes, "and go to bed. It is a dreamless sleep potion which, due to its concentrated form, will put you to sleep immediately. I will send a letter to McGonagall, stating that you are to be excused for the rest of the day".

"I'm guessing that is a demand, Professor", the student replied with a small smile.

"It is up to you if you want to take my advice or not, Potter, but you look like you could use some sleep." Snape rose and handed the vial to his student. "You are dismissed."

"Thank you, Sir", Harry said gratefully and accepted the vial. "See you tomorrow." He stood up and walked to the door when his teacher interrupted him.

"It seems as though you are in need of someone to talk to, Potter", Snape paused, carefully choosing the next couple of words, "feel free to knock on my door should you ever wish to have someone to talk to", he offered, his voice remaining strangely cool. "Even in the middle of the night, Potter", he added quietly and nodded at the boy.

"Thank you, Professor, I really appreciate it", the younger man replied softly.

"Now go, my next class will be here in a few minutes", the Slytherin said, pretending to be annoyed. He felt somewhat satisfactory as the Gryffindor left his classroom. Contrary to popular belief, the Potions Master actually enjoyed helping people. Especially the ones everyone else neglected, because, believe it or not, those were the ones who would surprise you the most.


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear all,**

**My apologies for the lack of updates, it's just that life has been really... intense lately. **

**If you have any suggestions for what will happen in the next chapters, please tell me as I'm running out of inspiration. Do you think Snape would serve alcohol to students or not? I'm not sure; please give me your opinions on this. **

**Hope you're all having a wonderful summer,**

**Andrea xxx**

Harry kept going over and over why his friends would still refuse to so much as look at him. Luna was still the only one to greet him. For the first time he felt like he was seeing Hogwarts from an outsider's eyes. Everything seemed to be the same as it always was, apart from the fact that he barely existed in any of the students' eyes. To Harry, it felt like time was passing the way it always had, but that he wasn't moving with it. It was as though he was standing still in a room where everyone else was moving.

Despite the feelings of solitude, Harry tried his best to maintain a normal life. He had his meals in the Hall with everyone else and made sure he ate enough. He sat on his usual spot at the Gryffindor Table as he was sure he would attract more attention had he sat alone at the end. He put more effort into school than he ever had before which resulted in him receiving more than decent grades in most of his subjects on the few essays that they had handed in so far.

However, if one looked a bit closer it was fairly obvious that everything was not the way it was supposed to be. He didn't talk to anyone, not at meals, nor during lessons nor in the corridors. He always looked at everyone else's plates at meals, as if he wanted to make sure that he ate as much or as little as everyone else. He always went to the library to borrow books for his homework but he never did his homework there, with his fellow students. He had quit Quidditch even though his Head of House had offered him to the post of the Captain. If one looked even closer, one could find him taking walks around the lake in the afternoon and on aimless wanderings in the castle at night.

Harry did, however, still cry himself to sleep every night when he felt the sense of loneliness take over him. Sleep did not come easily to him which often resulted in him roaming the corridors at night, mostly undetected as he had started to learn the teacher's patterns. On the whole, he felt empty which is why he found the tears strangely disturbing. He no longer felt sad for what had happened, instead he felt nothing. The sense of numbness was strangely comforting. He thought of Snape's offer more than once but decided that he would not take the man up on it as he did not want to bother the man more than he already had.

At the end of the first three weeks of school he was called to the Headmaster's office. Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk as he entered and offered him the usual selection of sweets and teas, which he politely declined.

"So, Harry, my boy, how have your first three weeks of school been?" The Headmaster asked and leaned forward, eyeing the boy carefully, with twinkling eyes.

Harry decided that it was best to reply with a mixture of truth and falsehood, in order to make the Headmaster believe him. He therefore replied, with as much sincerity in his voice as he could muster, "they've been alright, Sir. Most people are still not used to me being back but I'm sure it will get easier with time," he said and gave the old man a small smile. "I had a nice long chat with Ron and Hermione yesterday and it seems as though things should be back to normal quite soon", he added and smiled brightly, making sure his eyes smiled as well. The last sentence was one big lie but he was fairly certain that he had managed to convince the Headmaster.

"I am glad to hear that, my boy. Just keep trying, I am sure everyone will be back to normal soon, just be patient".

Harry smiled inwardly, pleased that the Headmaster had swallowed his lies. They discussed random things that lacked importance for the remainder of the conversation and Harry left the Headmaster's office feeling strangely relieved. Apparently he must have managed to play the part of his own life quite well, he thought.

Three days later, close to curfew, Harry was out walking by the lake. He took of his cloak, under which he was wearing nothing more than a plain t-shirt. It was not a particularly warm night but Harry enjoyed the wind on his bare arms. He sat down next to a tree and looked out over the lake, which was strangely serene. For the first time in weeks, he almost felt at peace with himself. He allowed himself to forget everything for just a few moments and relished the sensation. Harry was so caught up in himself that he did not notice that it had begun to rain.

"Mr Potter, out in the dark, I see", Snape drawled as he approached the startled Gryffindor.

Harry looked up in confusion and met the older man's eyes.

The Slytherin extended a hand, which the younger man took, and he was shocked at how cold the boy was. "Here, take this", he said and unfastened his cloak and gave it to the boy.

Harry put the cloak on gratefully, as he realised how cold he was. "Thanks".

"Come with me, Potter", Snape ordered and turned to walk up to the castle.

The Gryffindor quickly picked up his own, now soaked, cloak off the ground and followed his teacher into the castle. He was not surprised when he was led to the dungeons. They entered the Potions Master's office and the teacher stopped for a moment.

"Speak of this to anyone and you will regret it", the Slytherin said warningly as he walked up to one of the bookcases. He tapped two books with his wand and the bookcase swung open, like a door. Snape gestured for Harry to enter before him and then followed him into the other room.

Harry tried his best not to look around too much when he entered his teacher's personal quarters. The room they had entered was a large, well-decorated sitting room. There were two couches in the middle of the room, with a table in between, with chairs on each side. There was a thick, cosy rug which covered most of the floor. Along each wall there were bookcases, filled with thousands of volumes. In one of the corners there was a large fireplace. There were also random magical objects which Harry did not recognise on small tables all over the room. There was also a large cupboard, built in one of the bookcases. The room was fairly well-lit but Harry could not see a single lamp or candle. There were three more doors on the other side of the room. The room was decorated in dark, rich colours, mostly blue and brown, something Harry found very soothing. He took an instant liking to the room.

"Curious, I see", Snape said and smirked. He looked quite amused as he watched the Gryffindor's eyes wander across the room.

"It's a beautiful room, Sir," Harry said softly and gave the other man a small smile.

"I take it this is your first time in a teacher's personal quarters, Potter?" Snape inquired and, after a moment or two, added, "Correct me if I'm wrong".

"No, you're right, Sir", the Gryffindor replied and blushed slightly.

"I thought so. Have a seat, Potter", Snape offered and sat down on one of the couches. "Would you like a drink?"

"No, thank you, Sir", Harry replied and sat down on the couch opposite to Snape.

The Slytherin stood up and walked across the room to the cupboard, where he retrieved a bottle of brandy and a glass. He walked back to the couch, sat down and poured himself some brandy.

Harry watched him, feeling quite unsure as to why he was there. He really didn't know why his professor had asked him down to his personal quarters. He was suddenly reminded of how cold he was as he felt his body shiver.

Snape noticed the boy tremble and cast a drying-spell on the boy's clothes.

"Thank you, Sir. And thank you for lending me your cloak", Harry said and took it off. He hung the cloak over the back of the couch.

The Slytherin just nodded and took a sip of his brandy. The two men sat in silence for quite some time, just thinking. It was the older man that first spoke up.

"Would you allow me to express my point of view on your situation?" Snape asked, his eyes strictly focused on the younger man's.

Harry hesitated for a second, as he feared what his teacher was going to say about him, before he replied. "Go on".

"You feel more and more isolated; you have started to feel void. Yet you are trying harder than ever to look normal and you are terrified of slipping up. You don't want to attract anyone's attention to how you feel; hence you pretend everything is alright. You find it hard to see a meaning with anything. You find it hard to go to sleep as your thoughts keep you awake. You are not depressed; you just don't feel much of anything. Am I correct?" Snape inquired and looked at the boy expectantly.

Harry had been looking at the floor since the end of the first sentence of the Potions Master's small speech. His words had described his state perfectly and this scared the Gryffindor to no end. He had absolutely no idea how to respond which was why he stared at the floor.

"Potter, look at me", Snape urged and placed his glass on the table in front of him.

"Why is it that you can read me like an open book?" Harry said, exasperated and looked up at his professor. "I don't know what I feel, for Merlin's sake; I just know that I don't like it!"

Snape just sat there in silence and watched the young man. He knew the boy had to get some things out of his system and he was going to let him do just that.

"I don't want to feel this way, but what is there for me to do? No one wants to talk to me. I'm literally untouchable. If I just try to lead a normal life as much as possible, then maybe they'll want to talk to me in the end. Though I bet this serves me right for screwing up so badly. It's my own bloody fault, isn't it? I screwed up and this is my punishment. The only thing that would make them talk to me is telling them where I went and that's something I can't, it's too embarrassing!" Harry rambled on, hardly breathing.

"Potter", Snape cut in. "Have you already forgotten what I told you before? What happened was not your fault; I was there so I know. The reason you run away is obvious; you have got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of there. And yes, everyone is struggling with you being back, but that is not your fault".

"Ron tried to kill himself because of me, how can that not be my fault?" Harry almost shouted.

"What happened that night at the boarding school was a big deal, Potter. No one blames you for reacting the way you did. You could not possibly have known how Mr Weasley would react to you running away. You did what you thought was best, full stop", Snape said sternly and stared into the younger man's eyes. "However, if you allow yourself to fall into the darkness, that is your fault. You have obviously not been feeling well these past weeks, yet you have not talked to anyone, despite my offer. You blatantly lied to the Headmaster and you..." Snape stopped as he realised the boy had pulled up his legs and were now hugging them as he buried his face in his lap.

"Don't you get it? It's embarrassing!" Harry said and looked up as a single tear fell down his cheek. He quickly wiped it off with the back of his hand.

"Potter, I know. Trust me on this", Snape said slowly. "I do know. I have been a drug addict. There was a time when I had to have alcohol before breakfast. There was a time when I had absolutely no one to talk to. There was a time when I was suicidal, not that you are suicidal of course", he said when Harry looked up with a shocked look on his face. "I merely wanted to point out that you are not the only one to go through something like this. My point is, I wasted five years of my life before I got back up and I do not wish for anyone to do the same. Life is precious, Potter. You should know that better than anyone seeing as you have come close to losing it on more than one occasion", Snape declared and raised one eyebrow.

Harry did not know how to respond to his teacher's honest talk. He was embarrassed by the fact that he had been so weak lately. Hence he said the first thing that came to his mind.

"Please could I have a glass of brandy?" he asked and shifted back to sitting normally.

**Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Dear all,**

**So sorry for the complete lack of updates. Unfortunately I can't say when the next update will be, have finished almost half the next chapter, but will be quite busy from now on, so writing is a luxury that I might not have time for. **

**Enjoy!**

**Andrea xxx**

"Potter, I don't serve alcohol to students", said Snape stiffly.

"I didn't expect you to", the Gryffindor said and gave his teacher a small smile.

The two men sat in silence for a good 30 minutes before any of them said anything. Despite the seriousness of the previous conversation, it was no awkward silence. Both men mainly stared into space, glancing at each other once in a while. It was Harry who broke the silence first.

"I should go", he said emotionlessly and stood up.

"Yes", Snape agreed and nodded to himself. He watched the younger man walk across the room and let out a breath he had not even known he was holding.

"Why are you so damn nice?" Harry had suddenly turned around and was now shouting loudly. "What the fuck is your problem? Why are you being nice to me? You hate me, you've always hated me! Do you plan on getting close to me, seeing as I probably look bloody fragile, and then do something horrible to me? You keep pretending to be so bloody honest, telling me about your own dark", at this point, Harry rolled his eyes, "history". He took a couple of steps in Snape's direction before continuing. "You're trying to make me trust you, aren't you? So that you'll be able to take me down properly, which is what you've always wanted, isn't it? You have always despised me, so can you possibly tell me why the fuck you've started to care now?" Tears were now streaming down the Gryffindor's cheeks. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he said bitterly and sank down on the floor. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" he said and wiped his cheeks.

Snape was shocked at the younger man's outburst and chose to let the boy say what he wanted to say. By the time Harry had finished his monologue Snape had moved across the room to him and sat down on the floor next to him. He grabbed the other man's hand and squeezed it gently; it was the only way of comforting he felt comfortable with.

"I just wish life could be simple, for once. I don't expect happiness, I gave that up a long time ago, but why can't life just be boring? Boring is good, compared to this", Harry muttered angrily. He liked the way something warm squeezed his hand lightly and looked down. He saw the long, pale fingers and decided to squeeze back.

Snape suddenly seemed to realise that he was sitting on the floor, in his living room, next to Harry Potter and was squeezing his hand. It was enough to make him pull his hand back. He was about to stand up when the younger man's voice interrupted him.

"Lie down with me", Harry said softly and slowly lay down. He lay on his back and stared at the ceiling.

Snape hesitated for a second before he joined his student on the floor. He felt a warm hand encircle one of his own and did nothing to stop it.

"Potter, I never hated you. While I do admit to never having liked you, I have always had a certain amount of respect for you. You had achieved more than most adults when you were 13. However, I thought it was obvious, at least now, that I only treated you the way I did because I had to. Even though I never liked you, I never hated you as much as I tried to make you believe I did", Snape explained slowly, not feeling entirely comfortable with his revelation.

"I see", was all Harry said.

They remained silent for a couple of minutes, each contemplating what the other had said.

"Why are you holding my hand, Potter?" Snape asked with nothing but curiosity in his voice.

"You mean, why are we holding hands?" Harry asked cheekily and a small smile appeared on his lips.

Snape was silent.

"Because I like holding your hand, that's why. I don't know why, all I know is that I do. Is that enough of an answer for you?" Harry said honestly and closed his eyes, scared of what the other man's answer would be.

Snape responded by giving the younger man's hand a light squeeze.

The Potions master suddenly saw a vision of himself lying on his living room floor, next to a certain raven haired boy. And as if that was not bad enough, they were holding hands. The picture caused him to jerk his hand away from the younger man's and sit up. In the corner of his eye he saw that the Gryffindor looked at him questioningly. He ignored the look and stood up, adjusting his slacks.

Harry suddenly felt his hand go cold and looked down at it only to find that his Professor's hand no longer encircled it. He watched him stand up, adjust his trousers and then extend a hand to Harry which he accepted.

They now stood face to face and neither of them seemed to know what to say. Snape was first to break the silence.

"I advise you to talk to Miss Granger and Mr Weasley; they deserve to know the truth. If they choose to still be angry with you after you have told them your story, then that is their loss. At least then you will feel that you have tried to salvage your relationship," Snape said slowly and eyed the Gryffindor carefully.

"What if they don't want to listen? What if they still don't want to be friends with me?" Harry hesitated before he added quietly "I don't think I could handle their rejection."

"Whatever their answer may be, even though I hardly expect them to reject you, I still think you need to talk to them. If not for their sake, then for your own," Snape replied after a moment of consideration. "It is up to you if you want to take my advice or not, Potter."

"Yes. I... Thank you, Sir. For everything," Harry said and stared at the floor for a moment or two before he extended his hand to the older Slytherin.

Snape's lips formed a tiny smile and he nodded at the boy before accepting his hand. He felt the Gryffindor stroke the side of his hand with a soft thumb. To his surprise, he found himself wishing the younger man would do it once more, rather than wondering why he had done it. He watched the Gryffindor turn around and exit the room in a swift manner.

Harry walked slowly through the castle, contemplating what Snape had said. On one hand he wanted to do what the older man had told him to do, but another part of him was scared to death of how Ron and Hermione were going to react. He pulled his cloak tighter around him as he walked through the corridors. Winter was coming early this year, he thought, it wouldn't normally be this cold in October. As he entered the Gryffindor common room he found Hermione sitting by a table, working. He noticed that there was no one else in the room. That's when he made up his mind. He walked up to her and met her questioning eyes.

"Hermione, there's something I need to tell you. I need you to listen without interrupting me," he said quietly and looked at her for approval.

Hermione put away her quill and nodded at him. She gestured at the chair on the other side of the table and he sat down.

Harry slowly told her everything. About how devastated he was, about how he went to London. How he started drinking and taking drugs. How a kind muggle helped him. How he had felt when he had come back to find that no one wanted to talk to him. He told her everything apart from the conversations he had had with Snape as he felt that the older man would not want him to. After about half an hour, he suddenly went quiet and waited for her reply. He was terrified she was going to run up to her dormitory or, even worse, get Ron. Or, even worse, laugh at him. He knew how pathetic he had been and he hoped she wouldn't think the same way about him as he did himself.

To Harry's great surprise, Hermione walked around the table and hugged him. Long and tight, Harry found himself gasping for air, but he felt better than he had in a long time.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Hello,**_

_**Managed to get some free time this evening so finished this. Hope you like it. **_

_**Andrea xx**_

For the first time since his return to Hogwarts, Harry woke up feeling something else than empty. He almost felt cheerful. A quick peek through the curtains of his bed showed that it was still raining outside. Harry, however, did not mind at all but proceeded to get out of bed. As he looked around his dormitory he saw that he was the first one to wake up. He felt a sting of guilt in his stomach as he watched Ron's sleeping form. There was one more thing he had to do, he realised, and felt his whole body tense. How does one apologize to someone who tried to commit suicide because of you, Harry thought. He quickly exited the room and entered the bathroom where he took off his trousers before he stepped into the shower. The water was burning hot and he cherished the way his skin almost ached as a result of the heat. He thought back on yesterday's events and the conversation he had had with Snape. It was then he realised that he had been very rude, to say the least, to his professor. Snape, however, had not seemed angry at all, he thought as he went over their conversation in his head. He remembered how they had lain next to each other on the floor, holding hands for a minute or two. As he recalled this particular part he felt his stomach tingle strangely. He wondered if he should apologize to Snape but decided against it as he did not want to remind the other man of his outburst. The feeling of the hot water mixed with the scented shampoo running down his back made him shudder with pleasure. Harry decided he would send a letter of gratitude to his teacher. It was, after all, thanks to Snape that he was feeling better this morning. And it was Snape who had given him the courage to tell Hermione the truth. He realised that he would have to tell Ron straight away, or else he would put himself in a position even worse than before. He switched off the water and grabbed a towel from the pile on the shelf next to the shower.

A couple of minutes later, Harry entered the dormitory to find that everyone was still sleeping. He checked the time and found that it was half past seven, which meant that everyone would be up in a minute. It only took him two minutes to put on his uniform. He heard someone yawn and turned around to see Ron awake. He decided it was now or never.

"Ron, can I talk to you?" Harry asked quietly, trying not to wake the others up.

Ron did not even look at him but stood up and started walking towards the door.

"I know you don't want to talk to me, but there is something I need to tell you. Please will you listen to my story? Please," Harry begged softly and tried to catch Ron's eyes.

The red haired boy stopped in the middle of the room and thought for a moment before he opened his mouth.

"Wait for me in the common room," he said without even looking at his former best friend.

"Thank you so much, Ron, I can't even..." Harry began but Ron had already left the room.

It was then it occurred to Harry how much more difficult this conversation would be than the one he had had with Hermione a couple of hours earlier. He sighed loudly and made his way down to the common room where he sat down on one of the sofas by the fire place. One by one, the Gryffindor students walked through the common room, heading to the dining hall.

Ten minutes later, Ron made his way down the staircase. His face looked tired and slightly pale. He did not look at Harry, but instead walked past him. As he did so, he whispered a soft "follow me" and made a gesture with his left arm. Harry quickly got up and they left the common room together for the first time since the beginning of the term. They walked in silence, Ron slightly in front of Harry, leading the way. As they passed the great hall, Harry started to get really curious of where Ron was taking him. His curiosity disappeared, however, when he saw the portrait that led to the kitchens. He followed Ron through the portrait and into the kitchens, which were empty, to his relief. Ron sat down at one of the tables, ordered breakfast from a house elf and then looked expectantly at Harry. The raven haired boy sat down opposite to his old friend and ordered a cup of coffee from a house elf he had never seen before. He had no idea where to begin, so he decided to start at the night of the attack at the boarding school. His words were almost identical to the ones he had told Hermione the night before. After about 20 minutes or so, he was finished and took a sip of his coffee. His shoulders tensed as he waited for Ron to say something. It felt like hours passed by. He did not dare look up from the black coffee before him.

"Harry, look at me," Ron urged quietly and waited until the other boy met his eyes. "I realise how hard it must have been for you to tell me and I want to thank you for telling me."

Harry felt a large weight being lifted from his shoulders. He had expected Ron to shout, to yell or to leave the room. It was only Ron's serious face that stopped him from laughing.

"But Harry, I don't know where we go from here. I have changed a lot since you ran away. And I think you have too," Ron said with a frown on his forehead that Harry had never seen before. It was then he realised how much older and more serious Ron looked. How he spoke in a way Harry had never heard him speak before.

"But it's still me, Ron. I'm still Harry," Harry said and gave Ron a small smile.

"Harry, it's not about you. It's about me. It still hurts every time I see you," Ron said and looked down. "Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy that you are back. But you... I don't know how to say this," Ron whispered and swallowed. He rolled up his sleeves and showed the other boy his wrists. There were two big scars on each wrist, each maybe two inches long, along his veins.

Harry gasped at the sight of the scars on his friend's wrists and covered his face with his hands. He felt guiltier than he ever had before.

"I did this. I am not blaming you for what I did but I need you to know what I have gone through. I am not healed enough yet to put it all behind me," Ron said and his voice trembled a little. "When I am, I will let you know. I want you to know how sorry I am, Harry," Ron finished, stood up and left the room before Harry had a chance to say anything else.

Harry just stared at the table for a couple of minutes, not quite believing what had just happened. He had not expected Ron to act this way. This was not the cheerful Ron he had known for years. This Ron was serious, mature and sad in a way that scared Harry. The guilt weighed heavier on his shoulders than it ever had. He checked the time and found that he still had another 30 minutes before classes. As he looked into his coffee mug he found that it was full again, something which would usually have made him think of how much he loved magic, but today he just grabbed it and took two big gulps which he quickly regretted. The hot liquid burned his throat in a most uncomfortable way and he pushed the mug away from him.

A moment later the door to the kitchens opened and Snape entered the kitchens. He reached Harry's table with a few quick strides, his robes billowing behind him as usual. His face looked slightly weary as he saw his student's blank face but he quickly schooled his expression before he sat down on the chair opposite to the Gryffindor.

"Still here, I see," Snape remarked.

"How did you know I was here?" Harry asked emotionlessly.

"I was on my way to the great hall when I saw a certain Weasley leaving the kitchens, looking less than cheerful. I took a quick look into the great hall to find that you were not there, so I came here," Snape said in a composed manner and thanked the house elf who brought him his usual cup of coffee.

"I was going to send you a thank you-note for yesterday, as I thought I wasn't going to see you today. Thank you for yesterday," Harry said and nodded to his professor.

"Oh, it was nothing, I find drenched students by the lake after curfew almost every night," Snape said dryly and hoped to see the Gryffindor smile a little, but his face remained blank. "Potter, lessons start in ten minutes, you should go get your books."

"Yes, Sir," Harry replied and stood up.

"I will be in my office after half past four this afternoon, come and see me if you wish," Snape offered and looked into his student's eyes. He then turned to a house elf and asked her to bring a sandwich which she appeared with a couple of seconds later. He gestured for her to give the sandwich to his student and watched the Gryffindor look at him questioningly.

"Coffee is not going to last you until lunch, Potter," Snape snorted and watched his student accept the sandwich.

"Thank you, Sir," Harry responded and nodded to his teacher before he left the room.


End file.
